No, that doesn’t mean Frankly Antiquated Quotes. FAQs are Frequently Asked Questions. Okay, maybe they’re not asked that frequently, but would you read this if it was called Infrequently Asked Questions?
Q: Do you have to be cranky to be a Curmudgeon?
A: No, you just have to be someone who questions things. You can’t agree to something because they say it. Curmudgeonry is about free and critical thinking. You want to be the pin aimed at the balloons of hypocrisy and pomposity. That’s the real reason we’re called “prickly.”
Q: Why did you capitalize curmudgeon in the last question?
A: Really, that’s your question? I capitalized it for emphasis. Call it creative license. What are you, the capitalization police?
Q: Can I ask a stupid question?
A: I believe you just demonstrated that ability quite ably.
Q: What is the airspeed velocity of a six-ounce swallow carrying a one-pound coconut?
A: What? Are you lost? Does this look like a Monty Python chat room?
Q: Could I be a contributor to The Curmudgeon Files? If so, what is the process?
A: Yes, we welcome contributors. However, our standards are very high. (And we don’t mean in the Rocky Mountain High sense.) Our application process is as follows:
- Hand deliver a resume and two writing samples on papyrus to our submissions editor, who’s a hermit living in Kuala Lumpur. Once there, locate the Rusty Monkey Saloon. Ask for Jack. Buy him a drink. (Just don’t mention the incident with the chicken and the clarinet. He’s still sensitive about that.)
- Wait three days and return to the Rusty Monkey. (You don’t need to do anything. They just need the business to offset the cost of our submission process.)
- Your submission will be critiqued, stapled, mutilated and a reply will be send to you via carrier pigeon. This will probably take one to three months, depending on prevailing winds and migratory patterns.
Or, if you want to do it the 21st century way, you could email us here.
Q: Did you invent National Curmudgeon Day?
A: No, the day we celebrate Curmudgeons is January 29th, the birthday of that great crank, William Claude Dukenfield, better known as W.C. Fields.
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